


Five Times Gon Was Oblivious (and the one time he wasn't)

by fundips



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, M/M, Pining, Poor Killua, gon is so oblivious it's ridiculous, he's just a dummy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 22:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11999124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fundips/pseuds/fundips
Summary: Being raised in a household of assassins prepared Killua for just about everythingexceptthe way Gon made him feel.





	Five Times Gon Was Oblivious (and the one time he wasn't)

**i.**

Fighting Gido came with consequence. Killua had acknowledged this to some extent before Gon had even entered the arena, but a shattered arm, fractured humerus, three broken ribs, and twelve other minor fractures was a bit much compared to what he was used to seeing. Gon obviously didn’t mind the broken bones he’d earned in the process but Wing clearly did, as now Gon was bedridden and doomed to spend the next two months healing, meditating, and focusing his energy on improving himself. 

Wing’s slap was as loud as a clap and Killua could tell it must have stung his face. It had been an open-handed smack and Gon touched his face gingerly as a red welt began to form on his cheek. Perhaps it was wrong of Gon to confront Gido first when he hadn’t even strengthened his aura in any useful way besides basic defense, but he had to search for some boundary in order to test what he was capable of. Killua knew that,  _ respected _ that. 

Wing had invited Killua to talk with him separate from Gon. His expression when Killua revealed that Gon enjoyed the thrills, completely aware that he wouldn’t win to begin with, was priceless. It didn’t matter if Wing decided to back out and stop teaching him and Gon about Nen. Killua would find a way to learn it himself and help Gon get stronger. Although Wing’s frustration was valid and understandable, Killua was still proud of Gon for trying. 

Even if what he did was just as stupid as it was brave. 

When Killua got back to the room, Gon was resting a bit, chin touching his chest with closed eyes. His gaze immediately shot up to look at him when he returned, sensing his presence. 

And… Killua was carrying a box. 

A  _ pink _ box. 

“Killua…” Gon started, but Killua waved his hand a bit nonchalantly. He looked concerned, but quieted down. 

“I’m not angry at you, but that whole act was pretty stupid,” he rolled his eyes a bit, setting the box down on the table. “I got these for you though. To help you get better and all.” 

Killua lifted the lid, and watched as Gon’s face light up. 

Creamy sweet frosting, the sharp scent of cinnamon…

“Are those cinnamon buns?” Gon gasped. He was already squirming, trying to lift his head a bit to look deeper into the box. 

Killua nodded sheepishly. “You talked Kurapika’s ear off about them back during the Hunter Exam, so I figured you’d like some to remind you of home. You must feel awful about not being able to use Nen for a while.”

Cinnamon buns were Gon’s Achilles heel and Killua knew he was already salivating at the mere scent of them. They were his soul food and the treat Mito used to make; he’d yammered on the airship about their oozing frosting and homemade taste so Killua figured it would make a decent gift. As he took the box to set on the bed, Gon’s breath almost hitched from the sight. They were beautifully baked cartwheels, swirls of gold and brown. The cream cheese icing was drizzled over the darkened tops so heavily, it was tough to take a bite without getting an icing moustache.

“These are amazing Killua! I can’t believe you remembered,” Gon gasped as he reached inside to begin inhaling the baked goods. 

“Of course I remembered!” Killua’s mock-irritated voice was back. “Why wouldn’t I remember things that you like?” 

Gon smiled a bit at that, the white-haired boy handing him a napkin to wipe the icing off his chin. “I don’t know, I thought the detail was probably forgot about or something.” 

Killua’s eyes softened. He didn’t forget at all. 

“Killua,” Gon set his half-eaten cinnamon bun back into the box, looking downcast slightly. “I worried you and I don’t like to stress you out… and you seemed sort of mad when I was stupid and messed up my body. Well, you were either mad or sad and neither of those are okay… but then you come back just trying to help me feel better instead of yelling at me. I’m so dumb Killua. I’m sorry.” 

“You  _ are  _ dumb! But… it doesn’t make me care any less,” Killua admitted, rubbing the back of his neck and looking to the side. “I mean, it’s not like you’re going to get any smarter any time soon—”

“Eeh Killua!” 

“—so I’ll have to look after you until you get better. And you will. Do you want to hear a secret?” 

Gon leaned in without thinking, so Killua did the same despite the fact that they were the only two in the room. 

“When Wing and I were talking, right when we left your room, he gave off this vibe. I could smell it on him. He thought you were stupid for what you did but he knows you’re admirable. That technique that you did where you turned off your aura— _ zetsu _ he called it—was something you taught yourself. You grow really fast and he’s impressed. You have potential.” 

Gon blinked a few times. Killua was sure he hadn’t really thought of his efforts and abilities to be anything out of the ordinary. Gon clearly underestimated himself. “I have potential?”

“Yeah. Also, he said I could train with Zushi at Nen as you get better.” 

“That’s great Killua!” 

“I’m not going to do it though.”

Gon pulled back. “What? Why not?”

Killua rubbed Gon’s head with his knuckle in a noogie as Gon protested a bit weakly with a small smile. “Because I want to do everything with you, idiot!” 

“But I’m slowing you down.” 

The white-haired boy huffed, scowling as he pulled his hand back. Gon’s hair was a mess and his eyes were a bit sad; Killua felt like he just kicked a puppy. 

“I won’t leave you behind. If you were in my position you would have done the same thing.” 

And then Gon gave him a smile that just seemed so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpected warmth rushed through Killua.

“Eeh, Killua are you blushing?” 

Killua hissed quickly, standing up suddenly. He turned around, covered his face with his hand, and snapped his own nose with his fingertips despite the pain. 

“N-No! I just got a nosebleed, see?” Killua removed his hand as he turned back to Gon, blood starting to run down his lips and chin. 

Gon’s eyes widened suddenly, worry suddenly washing over his expression. “Killua! Go wipe it up with a towel or something!” 

“A-Ah yeah! Of course!” He hurried away into the bathroom, cheeks still burning hot as he covered the bleeding up with a towel.

  
  
**ii.**

By sunrise the fishermen on Whale Island were out on the beach to sell their catch to the housewives and restaurateurs. The beach smelled of fish guts festering in the sun and the gulls cry overhead, coming for whatever they could get. Gon had led Killua to the weekly market. Killua had never been to a market so open, each of the stall holders a caricature of bubbly friendliness. They knew Gon by name and often had kept something in the back of their stall that they knew he would want. 

The Zoldyck estate Killua had grown up inside was filled with an ominous brittle silence while Gon had spent his early life hiking through woods and exploring an island with kind-hearted people. The contrast was so stark it was foreign and alien, and in this case Killua was surprised by the warmth of these surroundings. Gon had certainly gotten his optimistic attitude from growing up in a place like this; in fact, Killua could stretch further and acknowledge that Gon seemed to fit in here much more than he did with him. 

“Killua, do you want anything?” Gon’s voice cut through his thoughts as he faced him. “They have pies and other sweet stuff you know.”

“I’ll pass,” Killua replied instantly. It was ridiculous to feel excluded. Even if he didn’t belong here on Whale Island, he had Gon with him, and he belonged with Gon. He couldn’t help it as his own lips twitched, trying to fight back a smile. “Is there anything else you wanted to do here at the wharf?” 

“Mito just wanted us to shop for some things, so I think we’re done! We can drop these back at Aunt Mito’s and go exploring for the rest of the day,” Gon said. 

They started back towards the house, following the mountain path. Gon was quite busy rambling on about all the things he wanted to show him. Killua nodded along while listening but his thoughts were a tad bit elsewhere. 

He was a bit consumed by Gon’s eyes. They were the type of brown that was like a sweet chocolate, and Killua  _ loved _ chocolate. He was a bit engrossed in comparisons: were they like a deer’s eyes? No, Gon was too strong for that… he was a Hunter after all. Maybe he was like a hound dog: loyal, friendly, always upbeat. He was also vicious when needed be so that fit him best. 

“Killua are you okay?” Gon asked. 

He hadn’t realized he was making complete and utter eye contact. His gaze must have been a bit distracted and distant because of it. 

“Yeah, of course. Duh.” Killua scratched the back of his head as he looked away, a little bit upwards into the sky. He concluded that his feelings for Gon were like swimming in a pool full of kittens: fuzzy and soft but still very uncomfortable. Illumi would be scorning him right now. 

At the thought of his brother, his stomach suddenly tightened with a sudden jolt. 

“Gon let me try something?” 

“Sure!” 

After looking around a bit to make sure they were alone, Killua let himself draw a bit closer to him, their knuckles brushing until he thread his fingers with Gon’s. 

He was blushing again.  _ Furiously _ so, but the knots in his stomach were beginning to fade as his grip tightened with Gon’s hand. He was able to breathe easier now, and the sensation was comforting. 

“Killua, your face is red… your nose isn’t going to bleed again right?” Gon asked, a bit concerned. 

“ _ That’s _ what you’re thinking about?” Killua grumbled, staring at the ground. “It’s just an experiment, I swear.” 

Gon’s eyes widened a bit, his expression suddenly curious. “Oh, I see.” He gave his hand a small squeeze. “What for?” 

“I’m… er—” Killua hadn’t thought of that yet, but he knew he was decent at covering up his motives. He could give it a try. “I’m checking your heart rate! Yeah, uh, I’m measuring your heart rate while we hold hands.” 

“Wow, you can do that?” Gon gasped, genuinely impressed. It made Killua want to facepalm and drag his hand down his face. “That’s so cool!” 

“Yeah, of course! Obviously it’s cool, I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t cool,” he was tripping over his words now. Although he was secretly congratulating himself for coming up with something like that on the spot, the situation still felt embarrassing. 

But not awkward at all, somehow. It didn’t feel so wrong. 

Gon… seemed responsive enough. He was holding Killua’s hand with a similar amount of tightness as he continued to elaborate on various stories of his adventures on Whale Island. Any time he talked about anything he was excited about, he seemed  _ mesmerizing  _ almost. 

He finally stopped as they approached Aunt Mito’s house, Gon a bit reluctant to let go (which caused butterflies to erupt in Killua’s stomach). 

“Killua?” 

“Hm?” He dropped the bags inside the kitchen as Gon followed. 

“Can you teach me how to check heart rate like you did?” 

The truth was, Killua didn’t know how to check heart rate just by holding hands. He knew one would need to press two fingers to the wrist to check the pulse, firmly pressing down into the skin. But could he resist more chances to hold hands with him? 

“Of course I can,” he replied to Gon.  

_ Of course I can’t,  _ he thought to himself. 

 

 

**iii.**

“A carnival? Here, in Yorknew?” Killua asked, pulling a shirt over his head to wear. He’d just showered, and the scent of soap still wafted over his messy hair. 

“Yeah! I think it would be a nice break. We have enough money for a few tickets and they aren’t very expensive.” Gon said as he was searching through a newspaper for any more ways to make money. “Leo is busy right now anyways. He went off to see if he could find Kurapika, so we can have some fun until he comes back.” 

Killua paused momentarily as he contemplated the idea. “Well you’re right, it wouldn’t hurt to take a break. We've been so busy trying to find Greed Island we haven’t had time to relax.”

It didn’t take much time to get ready and go. The walk was no longer than a few blocks since they were in the right area already. It was effortless to find the location. 

Admittedly, Killua had never been to a carnival before. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but the night was cool and dry, perfect for a night out. Laser lights were already illuminating the clouds in the area, making them seem unearthly and foreign. 

The first thing he saw was the big wheel. It was massive, shining like a circle of diamonds in the sky, spangled, bright and vivid. The next thing that hit him was the gloriously warm smell: the scent of frying hot dogs, burgers, cotton candy, and various other foods seemed to create a foreign but inviting wave that he breathed in greedily. The carnival itself was like a center of fun, in complete contrast of what Killua learned of the night. The lights, sounds, smells… the air felt electric and alive. 

He would be lying if he didn’t expect Hisoka to jump out of nowhere at one point, but he was thankful to have Gon there with him nonetheless. 

“Killua, have you been to a carnival before?” Gon asked, gazing up and around at the sights. His nose must be picking up far more than he could see. 

“Ah… no, not really. I’ve seen them but never been in one,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t really have time for that kind of thing.” 

“Then let’s make this special!” Gon replied with a smile. “Let’s do everything we can!” 

“Hm, alright,” Killua tapped his chin. “How about we start with that?” He pointed to one of the stands. It had a blaring neon side that read  _ High Striker _ . There was a line of strong men attempting to slam a hammer down onto the lever to cause a small puck to rise high enough to hit the bell. There were also various large stuffed animals that were probably rewards for anyone who could hit the mallet down hard enough to ring the bell at the very tip top.

“Yeah, that one looks fun. Let’s go!” 

Gon was already off with Killua close behind. By the time they reached the front of the line, Killua was definitely sure that Gon could win with his type of strength. All of the men in line had failed already, but he was still confident. 

“Step right up!” the operator invited with sleek charisma. “Ready to test your strength?” With hands in his pockets, Killua watched Gon take the large hammer in his hand with ease. There would be no test of strength. Gon would probably break the bell. 

Gon was enthusiastic enough, but his eyebrows furrowed in focus as he channeled his concentration towards the task at hand. Yanking the hammer over his head, he slammed down with all of his might. 

But the puck only sailed halfway up. 

_ “What?” _ Killua hissed. The operator was all smiles, patting Gon on the back. 

“Better luck next time!” 

“Hey wait a minute! Let me try.” There were a few protests from some people in line behind him, but the operator shushed them. Killua stepped up to the task, taking the hammer from a confused Gon. He channeled his aura into his hands, then wrenched the mallet over his head to slam down as hard as he could. 

Again, the bell reached the exact same height. That was impossible, since Gon didn’t use aura but Killua did. It should have had a far greater effect. 

“Hey punk, your game is rigged!” Killua growled, dropping the hammer and yanking the operator’s collar to pull his face down to his height. 

“Eeh Killua, just wait a second!” Gon tugged back on his shirt a bit, but Killua was grounded to the spot. “It’s no big deal, let’s go!” 

The operator grinned widely. It made Killua’s blood boil even more. “Don’t be a sore loser! It’s only your fault for not being strong enough to hit the bell. Better luck next time!”

Killua’s fists were clenching too hard, knuckles white. His eyes exuded an animosity that was like acid: burning, slicing, potent. 

_ I should kill him. He just called me weak, and Gon too. I’ve trained for my entire life and this is bullshit. Bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit. _

“Killua let’s go—” 

“Not until I wipe that shit-eating grin off his face.” 

Gon’s hand suddenly clasped Killua’s tightly and he dropped the operator’s collar immediately. 

From surprise or fluster, he couldn’t quite tell yet. 

“Killua I’m okay. Let’s just get strong enough to beat this game,” he smiled. 

Killua’s mouth was dry as Gon pulled him away from the front of the line and back into the crowd. His blush seared through his cheeks and for a minute he thought his face was on fire. He suddenly felt awkward, demure, and coy; even going as far as attempting to hide his rosy features behind his fingers. 

Anything he tried to say felt tongue-tied and jumbled. Gon was holding onto him tight, seemingly oblivious yet again. 

Finally, he sat Killua down next to him on a bench in the area, his legs swinging since his feet didn’t touch the ground quite yet. He wasn’t old enough for that. Not yet. 

“Gon, what was that?” 

He looked at Killua heedlessly. That clueless expression was infuriating and infatuating. “What do you mean?” 

“You’re holding my hand.”

“Yeah! Just like you did at Aunt Mito’s. I’ve been trying to feel my heartbeat through my own hand but I haven’t been very good at it…” 

Gon snapped his fingers. 

“But I have found out something!” 

Killua blinked. “What did you find out?” 

“You relax a bit whenever we do it. It was sort of a stupid thought but maybe if I held your hand you would calm down and let the guy go. And you did, so maybe it wasn’t stupid after all… hey, why are you covering your face?” 

Killua hid beneath the chalky-white fingers of his free hand, his cheeks burning. The color shone through the gaps. “I don’t know!” 

“Eeh? Then stop.” 

“I can’t!” 

“Are you embarrassed?” 

“No! I’m too cool for that!” He was completely and utterly flustered. This was the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. 

“Hmm, okay,” Gon settled, swinging his legs contentedly. “Do you think that game was rigged or we really weren’t strong enough?” 

Thankful for the change in subject, Killua leapt on his reply quicker than he could think. “It was rigged.” 

“You really think so?” 

Killua nodded. “Definitely.  You’re really strong so there’s no way you couldn’t have won. So don’t feel bad. That guy is a fake and his opinions don’t matter.” 

Gon smiled. “Ah… to be honest, your opinion is the only one to matter to me right now. I don’t care what that guy said. The only thing I really wanted from the whole thing was that big white cat stuffed animal thing that you could get as a prize. It sorta looked like you.” 

“Hm, then let’s go get it.” 

“Huh?! But if it’s rigged how are we going to win?” 

Killua pulled Gon up by the hand, and led him back towards the attraction. “I’ll show you.” 

The operator definitely didn’t seem happy to see them again, his smile fading for the first time as Killua approached. 

“Hey, stop being such a sore loser. You didn’t win, period. That’s—” 

He was quickly silenced by Killua’s muscles in his hands tightening, nails sharpening at once. His aura piqued menacingly, and when he looked up at last to face the operator there was no trace of softness in his gaze. His eyes were narrowed, rigid, cold, hard. The man drew in a deep breath, the burning hard stare only lasting as long as it took him to back down. Even Gon shivered at the alteration in Killua’s energy.

“I don’t want any trouble,” the operator grimaced in response. “What do you want?” 

“I know it was rigged,” Killua said, his voice clear, cut, cold, and concise. 

The man denied it at first, stammering, but he was quickly frightened as Killua’s eyes bore deeply into his. The sheer force of his bloodlust in his gaze was terrifying and they both knew it. It only took moments for the operator to back down and give him what he wanted: the white fluffy stuffed cat. 

“Killua! We both should have won, so we can get two right?” Gon smiled as he took the immense plush in his arms. Its bottom paws reached his knees. 

“Hey wait, I can’t really afford that—” the operator started, but Killua shot him a glare that quieted him down. 

“Gon, what else do you want?” Killua asked. 

He thought for a moment staring at the selection. “Well if I got something that reminded me of you, why don’t you get something that reminds you of me?” 

Gon’s soft words weren’t enough to melt Killua’s intimidating facade in front of the operator, but inwardly he was pleased beyond belief. “Yeah, of course.” His eyes scanned the different animals available for prizes, until his gaze reached a stuffed canine with fur the color of Gon’s eyes. The faux pelt looked soft beyond belief and its floppy ears made its appearance all the more gentle. 

_ Hound dog. _

“I want that one,” he demanded, and the man moved quickly to pull it down from the rack and hand it to Killua with shaking hands. Killua’s nails reverted back to normal as he touched it, touching its fleecy fur as he held it. “Let’s go Gon, we’re done here.” 

Gon followed him back into the crowd seemingly extremely content. Killua’s menacing aura had finally dissipated, leaving him with a lasting sensation of some sort of combination of fuzziness and lightheadedness. 

“Killua, you scared him pretty good. It was really cool,” Gon stated as he picked up the pace to walk directly next to him. His eyes were gleaming in the carnival lights and the optimism was endlessly endearing.

“Do I scare you?” Killua questioned tentatively. 

“Nope.” Gon was walking a bit awkwardly, as he was having a bit of trouble carrying the large cat. It looked like it was obscuring his vision a bit, but he quickly adjusted its position so he could see Killua. 

“Nope?” 

“Nope!” 

“Why…?” It was pretty unusual for anyone not to be scared of him, especially in that state. The only exceptions he knew of were Illumi and his father, as well as Zeno most of the time. 

Gon stared up at the sky as he thought briefly. “Hm… I think it’s because I trust you not to hurt me, even when you’re angry or scared. You’re special to me, so that’s why I’m not afraid.” 

There was something about the way he smiled; the way butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of Killua’s stomach. He had the kind of smile that made Killua feel happy to be alive and more confident that leaving home was the right decision. 

_ I’ll never hurt or betray Gon. Illumi is wrong. I’m nothing like him. _

  
  
**iv.**

Killua was not allowed to be afraid. He was not allowed to show the tenseness that grew between him and Hisoka as the group made their way towards the City of Love. The binding in his nerves and the tightness in his muscles were ignored and bottled up without much trouble. He was meant to be Gon’s friend and protector, a solid force in his life to prevent distress and anxiety from gnawing at the frayed edges of his strength and sanity. Gon thought of him as impressive and unshakable so he rose to the expectations; Killua naturally stood tall no matter what came his way, always ready to protect and serve. 

_ After lying for fifty years, I can recognize a fellow liar! _ Bisky had laughed as she explained, though it wasn’t very reassuring. Hisoka was a threat to Gon which was ultimately a threat to the group and its dynamics, and the fact that he was lying topped it all like some sort of terrible cherry on a bad luck dessert. It just  _ had _ to be Hisoka with Chrollo’s name on the Greed Island book list,  _ Hisoka _ of all people. Ever since the Hunter Exam he’d been disturbing and skin-crawling to share company with, and the way he looked at Gon was beyond perverse and depraved. 

Naturally Gon was too happy-go-lucky to care about that fact. It seemed that despite recognizing Hisoka’s twisted motives and actions, he wholeheartedly accepted him and even committed selfless acts in the process. Killua could understand Gon’s acceptance for Hisoka but… to go as far as not caring at all about his behavior, his sick gaze, his distorted smiles? It was such a foreign concept to Killua. Gon truly respected all types of people in the most genuine and pure way possible. 

“I don’t like this,” Killua whispered softly to Gon. “There’s too many inconsistencies with his story, and even Bisky admits he’s lying about something.”

“Mm, yeah,” Gon murmured back. He seemed to take on a slightly more serious tone, to Killua’s relief. “I trust you and Bisky more than I do Hisoka, but he has no reason to lie.”

_ Hisoka seems like the type of liar to lie without a reason, _ Killua thought to himself. Even if Hisoka had already met with the Spiders there would be nothing they could do about it. He would attempt to take a glance at Hisoka’s book if possible in hopes that it would prove his guilt or innocence. 

“He’s dangerous,” he pushed a bit further. “I told you last year, I can smell the bloodlust on him. I know what you’re saying but I still think we should get rid of him as soon as possible. I don’t like the way he looks at you,” Killua spoke in a hushed tone. He was possibly being paranoid but sometimes it felt like Hisoka could hear every word they said. He had that sinister feel about him. 

Gon nodded at that. “If he’s causing you that much worry then I’ll tell him myself to leave after we beat Razor.”

Killua paused. He wasn’t expecting that, but he wasn’t sure what he  _ was _ expecting. “Why doesn’t Hisoka make you uncomfortable?”

There was a period of silence lasting a dozen seconds or so until Gon finally spoke, slowly and clearly with thought. “I mean… I know we had him walk in front because of what he did before…” He gestured somewhat to Hisoka walking besides Goreinu a few meters ahead. “But even though I was scared of him at first, I don’t feel as helpless as I did before. I feel stronger now especially with Bisky’s help. Besides,even though things he does can be a little scary and weird I think that we’re all sort of similar and different in our own ways. Hisoka may make you feel weird but he’s helped me get stronger plenty of times and I’m grateful for that. Also, we still need him to get Patch of Shore.”

He was right of course. Getting Patch of Shore wasn’t an option, it was a necessity. The part about Hisoka helping Gon was a little bit of a stretch but it wasn’t as if Killua could convince him otherwise. 

“You’ve grown a lot, you know that?” he chuckled softly. “It’s amazing. I almost can’t believe my eyes.” 

A small smile set on Gon’s lips. “You really think so?” 

“Yeah, definitely.” 

“That makes me really happy.” 

The tips of Killua’s fingers felt a bit fuzzy at Gon’s words. It was a nervous but warm kind of energy, tingling through him like electrical sparks on the way to the ground, gathering in his toes. 

“If you’re happy then I’m happy too.” 

He said the words without thinking, expecting them to be quiet enough so no one could hear them but himself, but Gon’s sudden turn of his head signified otherwise. 

_ He heard that? _ It felt like a bucket of cold water was just dumped on his head. He rubbed the back of his neck, the hairs prickling from embarrassment. 

“I mean… if you’re happy, like if you’re okay I’m okay too you know? We both get stronger and we both get smarter so it’s a win-win for both of us. That’s what I was trying to say.” 

Gon nodded quickly in understanding, much to Killua’s relief. “We should both work on getting better. You’re already the best though so that might be hard for you,” he joked, poking his tongue out slightly. 

Killua hid a smile. “After we find Ging we can explore the world together. It’ll be awesome. Then we’ll both be the best.” 

“Hmm, do you promise?” 

“I promise.” 

“You have to pinky swear,” Gon reached out, using his hand in such a gesture. 

“Pfft… that’s a little childish don’t you think?” 

“On Whale Island it’s pretty normal. Come on Killua let’s do it.” 

Gon insisted and Killua relented, finally locking pinky fingers. “Fine fine. I pinky swear that we'll be together forever and we'll be the best.”

“Whoever breaks the promise has to swallow a thousand needles, sealed with a kiss!” Gon tightened his pinky, pressing his thumb forward against Killua’s.

_ Sealed with a kiss? _ Killua looked away as he pulled his hand back. “Hey hey, isn’t that a little weird for a kid’s rhyme?” His eyebrow lurched upwards in skepticism.

“Is it really? I never noticed…” Gon dropped his hand. “But now it’s settled then. We’ll definitely be together forever since it’s a  _ real _ promise now.” 

Killua had no protests. It was exactly what he wanted, after all. 

A ghost of a smile formed on his lips.

  
  
**v.**

The tiny café huddled despondent among the huge city buildings. Washed out under the overcast night sky, it hunched in itself, fighting against the drizzle. Unlike the outside, the interior of the café was warm and cheery, with bright lights and colorful walls. 

The warm atmosphere was definitely welcome after running with Gon for at least fifteen blocks to get away from Palm. Killua usually wouldn’t have broken a sweat but at least he could blame it on the exercise. He was nervous and disturbed from the terrible outcome of Gon’s date with her; just as expected, she lost her mind and became erratic and unpredictable after Gon tried to end it. Killua found her “punishing” him for attempting to break up so early (despite his age, god forbid that was the reason why she was infatuated with him) and she even attempted to lunge at Killua with a knife. 

“How can you just let her treat you like that?” he continued to reprimand Gon. They were seated at one of the small tables by the window. “She was acting like a psycho.” 

Gon frowned. “Only because I told her I couldn’t give her what she really wanted. I said I wanted to get stronger which means that I had to train harder. I can’t be with her, so she got really upset.” 

For whatever  _ disturbing _ reason, Gon hadn’t reacted negatively at all. Killua found himself irritated that he pushed himself to such great lengths to keep him safe (keeping watch over Gon during his date, keeping a lookout for any Chimera Ants, killing Rammot, and even getting in between him and Palm when her mood became too turbulent) yet Gon seemed ungrateful for it. 

“Then tell her to wait until Kite’s back to normal,” he suggested, leaning forward a bit. He’d already ordered a slice of cake as Gon sipped away at some juice, next to a plate with a triangle of a sandwich. Somehow, Gon maintained a completely calm and collected appearance despite the awkward and strange turn of events. If anything, he seemed pleased with the way the night unfolded. 

“I did,” Gon muttered with the straw still slurping the last bit of juice from the bottom of the glass. “She was still mad.” 

Although Killua wouldn’t admit it, he was fairly relieved that the night ended how it did. It was a roller coaster until the very end and now he rewarded himself and his efforts with a freshly baked dessert. 

“Well now you’re dumped,” he sighed as he took the plate of the slice of cake and sat back in the chair. It was a delicious strawberry dessert with white frosting and a buttery aroma. His fork slid into the spongy layers smoothly and as he took his first bite there was a satisfying crunch of what he assumed were sliced almonds. It was unlike anything he had ever tasted before.

“Dumped?” Gon glanced up at Killua as he pushed away his empty juice glass. “Do you think that’s a good or bad thing?” 

“An awesome thing. You’re too good for her.” 

“I think she’s pretty nice.” 

Killua almost choked on his cake. “Huh? How? She tried to stab me and she put you through so much crap for nothing,” he grumbled as he rubbed his throat, swallowing his last bite. 

“Palm hasn’t really done much wrong, Killua… she only acted that way because I upset her. She thought that we would be together. If anything it’s my fault, so I’m not upset with her,” Gon explained. 

Although his nature was childish and endearing, it was sure to get him killed someday. Gon was saddened at his own incapabilities, which was invalid considering he was just trying his best to get stronger. 

However, Killua could feel something gnawing at his heart as he sat across from him. Gon was light, every bold color painted with precise lines. Even his morality was curved yet sharply defined; the constructs seemed to be stable but weak at the same time. Killua felt like a dark washed out color, fading into the background, like there really wasn’t anything of substance inside. 

It was ironic that he considered Palm to not be good enough for Gon, but in that case who is? It could be argued that he wasn’t good enough for Gon either.

Killua hoped he was. He hoped there was more meaning in his bones than tumbling colors, chaotic and shallow.

“So… does that mean you’re going to go out with her again after you save Kite?” He dragged his fork along his plate thoughtfully, scooping up the last bit of frosting that had fallen off the slice of cake. 

“If she wants to, but I think she’s pretty done with me,” Gon spoke softly. His tone seemed a bit bitter and almost sad. “I really didn’t want to disappoint her because I promised that we would get into the NGL and I failed. I wanted to make it up to her but it wasn’t enough, was it?” 

“You did what you could,” he pressed. “We’ll train harder and we’ll get Kite back for sure, no matter what.” 

Gon silently bit into his sandwich as Killua began to brainstorm how he would make him feel better about the whole ordeal. It felt like event after event just dragged Gon’s self-esteem further and further down: first it was watching Kite’s defeat, then Knuckle beat him, and now Palm’s rejection. 

_ I never imagined how frustrating weakness could be.  _

“Hey Gon,” Killua prodded slightly with his words. “If Palm is still mad at you after you find Kite, then we can go on a date.” 

Killua saw the shock register on Gon’s face before he could hide it. 

“What? Really?” he gasped, the sandwich falling out of his hands. “You want to go on a date with me?”

Killua waved his hand nonchalantly, a vein twitching on his temple. Why did he have to make this so embarrassing? “Only if you want to. If you don't then let's forget about this whole thing.” 

“No way! Of course I want to go on a date with you,” Gon squeaked, leaning forward suddenly. “But where would we even go? What do you want to do? Where do you want to go?”

“What?! I don't know what you do on a date, I've never been on one! You're the one with experience, idiot!”

“But this is different, I've never really gone on a date like this with someone like you! What if you don't like it?”

“I'll like it no matter what you do,” Killua propped his chin on his palm as his other hand was beneath the table, clutching his thigh for support. This was  _ painful _ execution. “You're my best friend so no matter what we do it'll be fun. You could just be completely still doing absolutely nothing and it'd still be fun to watch you.”

Gon fixed his gaze on him with a determined expression. “Then I'll make it the best date ever, just for you!” He grabbed the sandwich and took a vicious bite, just to illustrate how serious he was. 

_ I’m sure you will, considering you end up doing whatever you set your mind to, _ Killua thought. He was still in a bit of denial, amazed that Gon accepted his offer in the first place. Even if he was blind to Killua’s intention it didn’t matter as much as much as how his mood skyrocketed in response. That was one of the purposes of Killua’s request, albeit minor. 

The main reason why he asked Gon out on a date was because he wanted him all to himself. The thought was soft and childish at first but it also concerned him. He couldn’t quite relieve the tension in his muscles after Palm had stated she wanted to go on a date with Gon. He swore he wouldn’t let it get in the way so he stayed at a healthy distance. Although advising Gon not to go with her, Killua made no such effort to stop him. But he couldn’t resist from watching them from a distance to make sure Gon was safe without his Nen, and in the end no harm came of it. He managed to kill Rammot who might have otherwise harmed Gon (and to some extent, Palm). He’d also managed to pinpoint Illumi’s needle within his brain and tear it out, which was some kind of definable progress. 

Killua was selfish and he knew it. The behavior was begging to be rationalized but he could give no justification. 

He cared too much. It was as simple as that.    
  
  


**vi.**

Killua was sprinting as fast as his legs could carry him, bolting through the forest with aura jagged like lightning. Quickening his pace to an all out sprint, his heart was throbbing inside his chest, thick with grief and fear. Pouf’s words were ringing in his ears and like how every cell in Pitou’s body was dedicated to following the King’s orders, every part of Killua was focused on protecting Gon, to the point where his ears were ringing and the forest felt like a dark blur. His breath came in small spurts, hot and nervous. At his sides, pale fingers curled into shaky fists, swinging forward as if it would make him faster. 

_ Please, let him live,  _ he almost found himself crying aloud, throwing himself forward with even greater abandon. His lungs and heart were pumping, but the air didn't seem to be enough as he sprinted forward, panic trembling in his exhausted limbs.

It was too much. It was all too much as he looked down at the trees below him and saw a large blast in the distance that made his heart drop, every molecule in the air buzzing and vibrating from his electric aura. 

Was Pitou torturing Gon? 

Was Gon already  _ dead? _

The flashes of light seemed to grow brighter as Killua got nearer, the booming noise of hits being dealt growing louder. Gon and Pitou had blazed a path of broken branches and cut down trees that Killua followed straight to Gon. By the time he got there he found his eyes trailing a river of black hair sailing in the sky, from a certain silhouette… that looked nothing like Gon. But it had to be Gon, since who else would be slamming their fist into Pitou's already-crushed body with such rage and fury? He was bloodied from countless punches, the tree trunks around them sprayed with blue blood. And then he stopped.

“Kite... I finished the job, the way you taught me to,” Killua heard him whisper hoarsely. He’d stopped in his tracks, eyes soft and trained on Gon, more shocked than anything else. 

Killua testingly stepped forward, heart pounding so hard he could hear the rush of blood in his ears. Silence seemed to coat them and with Gon’s back turned Killua couldn’t see his expression. 

“Gon… is that you…?” 

He didn’t reply immediately but he turned towards Killua, tears streaming down his face despite his expression being composed. His form was warped, destructive and powerful but intense and terrifying. 

“Killua…” 

How many years? More than ten?  _ Decades?  _ This form would have been the result of years of endless training, so what was the price Gon had to pay to obtain so much aura?

Killua was horrified, his body frozen with fear. As Gon’s back was turned, Pitou’s body was lifting off the ground by strings of Nen. Was she still alive…?

No.  _ Nen grows stronger after death,  _ he soon realized. As Gon stared at his hands, rooted to the spot in grief Killua found himself lunging forward as Pitou’s body attacked. Killua was too slow, heart pounding, panicked breath like thunder in his ears. Adrenaline was almost bursting through his skin, eyes wide with fear as a scream locked in his throat. 

Snatching at the air, he found himself silently begging any force of nature to help Gon. Any deities, any gods. Blood spattered across his face as Gon’s arm came undone by his muscles and tendons, Pitou’s final movement slicing through the limb. 

_ This isn’t happening. _

At first there was silence. A misty haze upon the horizons of his mind, at least until he could feel the hard painful lump in the back of his throat as the tears began to form. Slowly his breathing hallowed itself and a small but intense pain struck the top nerve in his head. 

He was collapsing upon Gon, arms still outstretched. His arm was gone. His right arm. 

In that fraction of a second, shorter than the blink of an eye, Killua heard Gon speak. 

“It's okay.”

How.  _ How. _

“It doesn't hurt… I'm not trying to be tough. I'm kind of happy… I finally get to be the same as Kite was then.” 

He was smiling.  _ Why. _

_ “Gon.” _

“I feel like... I've been redeemed some.”

Killua felt it break, like a crystal vase falling onto a marble floor. His last shred of normalcy shattered into a million pieces as he heard Gon’s guttural yell as he wrapped his hand around his severed arm, slamming it down into Pitou’s corpse with rage. There was no hope in trying to put him back together, but Killua couldn’t keep himself from trying.

Gon was saying something but he couldn’t hear. It was drowned out over the sound of the roar of aura from Jajanken letting loose at full power. 

“Gon!” 

He couldn’t hear Killua either, not at this point. Leaves were swirling around the clearing like a tornado and the trees were beginning to tremble in Gon’s presence, shaking from the turbulent winds picking up around them. 

_ Stop… you can’t!  _ Killua found himself beginning to lose it. _ If you keep using this power, what will happen to you?! _

The next roar of aura was so powerful, Killua found himself being forced a step back, covering his head with his arms in order to cut through the air as it began to blow his hair in several directions. 

_ “GON!” _ Killua let out an agonizing scream, straining his vocals and hoping with all his might that Gon would hear him. Fright consumed every cell in his body, swelling them with terror. With every second he sensed a greater rise in pressure. 

Finally, Gon turned slightly and looked him directly in the eye. The expression was so pained and full of apology, Killua found himself shaking. He wasn’t sure what emotion consumed him as the blast engulfed the forest, destroying everything in its path, but it was torturous. 

 

* * *

 

Waking up wasn’t the pleasure it usually was. There was a fleeting moment when he was whole again but it evaporated faster than summer rain. His lids that were drooping and leaden with sleep snapped open violently. 

He suddenly remembered the events from earlier: the Chimera Ants, the palace invasion, tearing through the forest to help Gon. His body felt achy and bruised from standing so close to the impact of Jajanken, but he’d defended himself with a layer of his own transmuted aura even if the force knocked him off his feet and drove him unconscious. 

_ Where is Gon? _

Killua dragged himself up off the ground abruptly, panicked and searching for him almost immediately. The entire forest was in tatters and the sky overhead was dark and rumbling with rain-heavy clouds. Several tree trunks were collapsed around the area as Killua pulled himself over their thick bodies to find any trace of his friend. 

When Killua had finally found him, his heart was skipping several beats at a time: Gon was reverted back to his normal form but he was sickeningly pale, and his body seemed to be far thinner than usual. His aura was completely depleted Killua realized. He crawled next to him, lifting him upright in his arms and holding him. 

“Gon,” Killua whispered as he shook him. His hands were shaking as he pushed the hair out of his face. “Gon I’m here.” 

Killua felt like he was suffocating but hope washed over him as Gon’s eyes opened. He was trembling and weak in his grip, but he was alive, somehow. 

“Killua…?” 

His voice was so hoarse Killua almost misheard him. He found himself threading his fingers through Gon’s hand, his digits seemed so malnourished and feeble. 

Killua’s eyes filled with tears. His walls, the walls that held him up and made him strong collapsed. Salty drops fell from his chin, drenching his shirt. Perhaps these tears would help him wash the blood out of Gon’s clothes. What a stupid thought. 

Even as he tried to clench his hand into a fist it began to shake. It was raw, everything; raw tears, raw emotions. 

_ I can't stop... I can't stop. Why can’t I stop crying? _

“Your heart is beating so fast… compared to normal…” Gon whispered softly. 

Killua gulped. He wanted to wipe the tears from his own face but he didn’t want to let go of Gon for even a moment. He knew he would regret it. “Idiot… you’re such an idiot.” 

Gon gave a small smile like he knew. 

Killua held his head against his chest, his fingers in Gon’s hair, gently tugging and brushing the strands. It hurt so much, it was grief that came in waves, gruelling and stealing his invulnerability. What was once whole was now shattered and where there was once peace was emptiness, echoes of something he put everything into. 

There was hope naturally, but it was overshadowed by logic. Gon must have given away his life to kill Pitou, or something worse. It was an impending doom and the thought was excruciatingly painful. 

“You promised me we would be together forever,” Killua murmured. His voice trembled as he struggled to keep composure, but at this point it was almost impossible. 

Gon coughed softly, sniffing a bit. “I’m sorry… I’m such a bad friend…” 

Killua knew Gon didn’t know how he felt about him, but he couldn’t resist. He leaned in a little closer, their foreheads touching. Slowly, inexorably, he pressed his lips to Gon’s. 

It was soft and gentle and chaste and maybe there was no fireworks or sparks, but it was better than that—it was a wave of warmth that filled him up, spilling out from his heart and the warmth of him rushed to every corner of his body: the vertebrates of his spine, in between his toes, the crooks of his elbows, the tips of his ears. Every inch of him was saturated with love.

By the time he pulled away, Gon was staring up at him with half-lidded eyes with slight surprise. 

“Killua… why…?” 

Ever since he met Gon, compassion was the bridge in their connection. It took time to trust his weight to it, but Gon had extended his hand and stayed while Killua showed him his weakness, his mess, his fear. He let him come close, let him hide, let him return without shame. Killua never wanted to be so broken in the way he was now; he had pride. He needed to be seen as strong, though he hadn’t been for the palace invasion. He’d left Gon alone and this was what happened as a result. 

“We promised to be together forever so I sealed it with a kiss. Now you have to stay, you can’t go,” Killua spoke softly. He was too exhausted to be embarrassed. He would give all his pride away to keep Gon here with him, and if he needed to he’d rather die than let him go. 

Gon somehow managed to give his hand a small squeeze. “You didn’t have to do that…” 

“I wanted to!” Killua pressed as he squeezed back. “I wanted to kiss you! I wanted to go on a date with you, I wanted to be with you, I wanted to live with you and _I_ _still do!_ You’re such a stupid idiot Gon!” 

Gon’s eyes widened. “You…”

“Yes!” 

“You like me…?” 

_ “Yes!” _

“Like that…”

“Yes I do, you idiot!”

“Why…?”

“You are  _ light! _ ”

Gon’s eyes cracked at that, pained. “I’m sorry… I did this…”

“I don’t care, just stay! I’ll do _ anything! _ ” 

The grip on his hand was slowly loosening and panic was starting to etch itself into Killua’s bones once more. He noticed that Gon’s skin began to darken like ash and his body was growing thinner and weaker. 

“No—”

Gon was falling apart before his very eyes. He was dying, and Killua felt his body go limp beneath him. 

Killua acted without thought, straddling Gon’s weakening waist as he pressed his palm down against the left side of his chest, sending a bolt of electricity through the muscles in an effort to restart his heart. He cried with more violence than any hurricane. Killua didn't break quietly, it was as if every atom of him screamed in unison, traumatized that he should be forced to exist without him. When the wracking sobs passed he cried in such a desolate way, it broke his very soul. 

Gon’s heart leapt back to life, his chest jolting upwards at the force, but only a dozen seconds later it stilled once more. Another bolt of electricity started his heart from Killua’s palm to revive him. The world was slowly etching into a blur and so were all the sounds. 

“Someone help!” Killua screamed, clutching Gon’s shirt for dear life. Palm must know where they were, but there was so much forest he had to help them find him. “Palm! Knuckle! Anyone!” 

The pumping organ slowed to a stop again as Killua let loose a frustrated cry. He started Gon’s heart again and again, as many times as he needed to keep him alive. By the time help had arrived he couldn’t remember how many times he’d done it, but his chest was filled with a distinct and empty vacancy. Gon was becoming frailer and thinner like a skeleton and it was petrifying to watch, blood pressure rising until Killua’s vision became foggy. 

Morel had attempted to lift Killua up and away from the scene but he clawed and scratched like a feral cat, hissing and shrieking. He couldn’t get away though, since he had no more Nen to use after depleting it on Gon and Morel was far stronger than him. 

He only wished that Gon would be okay and that was beginning to seem like an impossibility.    
  


* * *

 

Killua could easily recall the morbid times when he was trapped inside the Zoldyck household. It seemed like his ears were so prone to sound he could hear a frequent  _ tick tock _ that resonated from the grandfather clock throughout the walls of the mansion. It drove him mad at first, but gradually he grew accustomed to the sound as he let his heart beat to the same rhythm. 

The same could be said for the staccato beeps of the heart monitor that echoed in Gon’s quarters, as it was the only thing in the room that kept him sane. He would count the beeps in his head and time his breathing with them to keep him sane, as he knew the second he missed a beat he would lose his mind and endure yet another breakdown similar to the one he had after Morel dragged him away from the scene. That was something he couldn’t afford.

The hospital room was as devoid of beauty as he was of hope. Its walls were simply white, not peeling or dirty, just white. There was no decoration at all save the limp clear curtain that separated Killua from Gon as a sort of containment unit. The room had an undertone of bleach and the floor was a simple gray. There were no windows and no lights except for the one that hung above Gon’s bandaged body. Within the plastic containment unit were stands for intravenous drips and monitors. At the door were dispensers for rubber gloves, hand sanitizer, and soap. Killua washed his hands every time he entered the room. The nurses said that Gon was so weak, if he caught a simple cold or the smallest bacterial infection it would spread and kill him soon after contamination. 

_ So this is the price he paid,  _ Killua thought to himself. He sat in a simple chair with a paper bag he fetched from the hospital cafeteria. He didn’t expect any type of gourmet quality but he told himself that after he was checked out for his wounds he would have lunch with Gon. 

If Gon wasn’t going to eat—or rather he  _ couldn’t _ —then Killua would still keep his word. He said he was going to have a date when this was all over, and although it wasn’t what he had in mind at all when he asked him out in the first place, it was something nonetheless. Killua wasn’t going to be picky now of all times, considering this was all his fault. 

Bisky told him that he would eventually leave Gon to die. Illumi told him that he would betray his friends eventually. In a way they were both right. 

He spent a decent amount of time during the invasion dragging Komugi around to save her from Pouf. It was so useless considering if Killua had gone with Gon instead and let the girl die earlier maybe this wouldn’t have happened. He wasn’t quite sure that he would have been able to calm Gon down in the moment but it still would have been worth something. He was a traitor now and although he had an idea on how to heal Gon, it wasn’t foolproof. It was also disgusting of him to return home after so long only to take Alluka with him despite abandoning her for years. 

Killua was a horrible person. The guilt was ice in his guts; it could be a hundred degrees out and he’d still be frozen on the inside. 

“Hey Gon.” He tried to speak clearly but his voice cracked. His knuckles were white as he held onto the paper bag as tightly as possible. 

Naturally Gon didn’t respond. Killua didn’t expect him to, but the nurses assured him that although someone was unconscious sometimes they can pick up various words from the outside. 

“In the end you did it by yourself,” he murmured softly. “I get it. Kite saved your life and he has no connection to me.” 

His eyes locked on the jagged line on the heart rate monitor, signalling a strained but stable heartbeat. 

“But… still…” Killua continued, “I wanted you to ask for my help in defeating Pitou.”

Another beep. Another spike. He opened the paper bag for the first time, fishing around for the sandwich. Just as as expected, it was mediocre and consisted of two stale pieces of bread with ham and cheese tucked in the center. 

_ You're my best friend so no matter what we do it'll be fun, _ Killua remembered his own words.  _ You could just be completely still doing absolutely nothing and it'd still be fun to watch you. _

How badly he wanted to take that back. Gon lying still on the bed, body quivering on occasion from the oxygen being forced into his lungs, wasn’t fun at all. It was devastating.

He took a bite out of his lunch. It tasted dry like ash in his mouth. 

“I’ll be the one to save you. Knov said he’ll get doctors and specialists but I can do it on my own with Alluka. You don’t know her yet but you’ll like her. You’re both endlessly optimistic people.”

His stomach churned until he found himself nauseated. 

“I know this is just a tantrum, right? Since it means nothing to me…”

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr is @godspeedcomplex or you can [click here](https://godspeedcomplex.tumblr.com) to follow me, ask me any questions, or talk about HxH! I also post drabbles whenever I’m suggested a prompt so if you want to check it out feel free. My ask box is always open.
> 
> Also, a quick thank you to the best [beta writer](https://proofofhumanity.tumblr.com) I could ask for! I know working with me can be tough because I’m sensitive to negative comments but you really helped me improve this a lot with your critique. I appreciate it a lot.
> 
> **Guide**  
>  **Scene 1:** Episode 30 (10:26)  
>  **Scene 2:** Sometime between Episodes 37-38  
>  **Scene 3:** Sometime between Episodes 42-58  
>  **Scene 4:** Episode 68 (16:57)  
>  **Scene 5:** Episode 94 (18:46)  
>  **Scene 6 Part 1:** Episode 131 (15:31)  
>  **Scene 6 Part 2:** Canon-divergent event sometime between Episodes 131-136  
>  **Scene 6 Part 3:** Canon-divergent event in Episode 136 (17:42)
> 
> All the times listed were from when I personally watched it on the gogoanime website, so I’m sorry if they’re not completely accurate with whatever site you watched them on!


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